I've never been a perfect daughter, I'm actually far from being good. Not that special yet not that ordinary. I'm terribly flawed and deeply scarred yet I am forever grateful to God for demonstrating His unfailing love and faithfulness through my earthly fathers.
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Kuya Pat,
Gulat ka no? :)) I don't know if you know how much you mean to me. I guess you have no idea. Haha. I remember my awkward years, I was that reserved and medyo nagiinarteng shy teenager sa CYF Retreat sa Bukal ng Tipan. That was 2007. I know nothing about you that time, except the fact that you're Ate Rayn's brother and that you're older than me and that you study in UPLB kaya minsan na lang kita makita sa church.
The first time you talked to us, you spoke about euphemisms. I would never forget that. Syempre ang cool kaya matuto ng mga properly constructed at less offensive insults. Feeling ko ang cool cool ko na nun kasi alam ko yun. Lalo na yung academically disadvantaged hahaha.
And then you became our Highschool Sunday School Teacher. Tapos nagkaron ng Sunday School Highschool Musical kung saan pinasayaw mo kami kahit lahat yata tayo eh walang talent sa pagkembot hahaha. And then I became your "anak". Then JRev came and we became closer than ever. I remember that drama isang gabi dun sa Baguio, "Wala namang chance eh." HAHAHA I know you remember that, too. :))
After JRev, our bond became tighter and we began to share not only jokes and euphimisms but also our personal deeper experiences, feelings, and thoughts. I remember you greeting me on my 16th birthday na nagsosorry ka kasi di ka nakapunta sa birthday ko pero wag akong magalala kasi babawi ka sakin pag natuloy akong maadmit sa UPLB... Pero di ako naadmit. Sorry for depriving you sa pagfulfill ng promise na yun.
And then college came. We kind of lost communication. You became busy with your fifth year and I started being busy dahil sa college. And then a lot happened in the past 3 years. As in madamiii. Haha there was a long time na di ka na nakakaattend ng church sa NCUC pero I never felt that you went away. We still had online (and sometimes, text) conversations and it never felt like something's changed. I thank you for being a consistent Kuya to me, especially in those times wherein I really needed one. I feel really secure whenever I vent to you ng mga drama ko sa buhay. And I really am thankful na nung nilagay ka ni God sa buhay ko, di ka na niya inalis, at syempre pinili mo ring magstay. You are one of the reasons why I still trust people despite all the issues and iba pang chuchu nitong mga nakaraang years. I will forever be thankful, and even if I don't express it madalas (kasi di uso satin cheesy eh haha), I want you to know that you have become one of the people who made a very very huge impact in my life. Labyu paps. Monster huuuug, kahit alam kong iilag ka :)
P.S Ikaw lang ang Kuya ko sa church na pwede akong laitin nang di ako maooffend. You're privileged. Hahahaha
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Daddy Rolly,
Or Daddy Dead, kasi yun ang kinalakihan kong itawag sa'yo :)) I honestly had no idea who you are, you left the world when I was only a few days old. But I think I saw a picture of you carrying me when I was a newborn baby. I am so sorry for not being able to recall how it felt. I wish I did so that there was something about you that I was able to carry as I grew up. I have no idea how you speak, how you walk, how you crack jokes or how you laugh, but I heard that you were a good man. I heard a lot of good things about you and I believe that you were a really great person. Feels bad to not have been able to experience having you around, I think we'd probably get along well. :)
It's sad that you were not able to witness me grow up. You were not able to play with me. Not able to discipline me. Not able to be there for me during my sorrows and triumphs. I am sad that you did not see me become the way that I am today. Nonetheless, I hope you are proud of me. I really hope you are.
They say you look like my Father, at least you left that part of you in me. That everytime I look at Tatay, I am somehow reminded of who you are. I'll see you in heaven alright? I hope you recognize me. I love you Daddy Dead. :)
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tears are streaming down my face huhu
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Daddy Soy,
I don't even know how to begin. I just miss you so much. It's been almost 7 years since you left. I still can't get over the fact that you did not say goodbye. I'm so sorry Daddy, for not being able to make you feel special in your last days. I'm so sorry for taking you for granted that one whole week you spent in our house before you left. I'm sorry for not crying at your funeral. For not having the guts to deliver a eulogy at your wake. I'm so sorry I haven't done a lot of things.
I will never forget the things you did for me. The way you cooked food for me whenever I'm hungry. The way you give in to my petty demands. The way you always bought me stuff I want. The way you store coins the whole year just so you can give me money for Halo-halo during the summer. The way you spoiled me. Yes, I was a very spoiled apo. You had no choice, I'm your only apo. Sorry :p
I made you a letter two years ago. I know you won't be able to read that but I still wrote one. I think I have to update you on my life. Sorry I wasn't able to write you another one. I got scared I would cry like a child again and stain the pages of my journal with tears. I hope God talks to you about my thoughts though, because you're always in it. You never left.
Daddy, I graduated college two months ago. Do you know how much I cried after my high school graduation four years ago because it was painful to not have you there? I wanted you there. Well, I cried again last April. I cried because you're not there, again. I am so sorry I wasn't able to bring Mommy with me. There were only two seats for guests, I couldn't bring her even if I wanted to. I hope you're proud of me. I grew up fast Daddy, I'm twenty now, but I'm still your pasaway na apo.
I want to write a lot more but I couldn't think properly because I'm crying so hard. I miss you so much. I really do. I can't finish this creatively, I'm sorry :((
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Tatay.
Hahahahaha I don't know what to say. Pinagalitan mo na naman ako kanina bago ka umalis. Can there be a day na walang away? As in #hashtagmasaya lang? HAHAHA. I really don't know what to say. But I hope you remember my Father's Day testimony last 2010. I hope you remember that I am very happy to be your daughter. I still am, even if we fight endlessly. Maybe because we're too much alike, maybe that's why.
I am proud of you and of the way you live and of the way you've dealt with things. You're not perfect Tatay, and that's the thing I like about you, you know that you are not.. but you still continue to love and love and love people. God's proud of you too, you know. He's very happy that he's got a servant like you. Faithful na, pogi pa :)
Things will change next year. This is our last year in NCUC. Pero paninindigan natin Tay, we will be a household that will forever serve the Lord. Walang reservations. Walang preno. Tuloy lang para sa Lord. Sana proud ka sakin. Active ako sa church ah!! Hahaha joke lang. Pero seriously, sana proud ka sa naging ako. I may not be able to gain academic honors nung college or even give you a discount sa pagiging DL or what, pero I hope you're proud of the way I lived my college life. No alcohol. No drugs. No boyfriend. No BI friends. Hahaha I'm so great diba? Hehehe joke ulit. But really really really hope that I am making you happy, you and Nanay. Kahit wala pakong trabaho ngayon at di ko pa kayo maipag-shopping, I hope you're happy na medyo nagkakasabay na tayo kumain sa table minsan :) Magkakatrabaho din ako Tay, and I hope na mas maging proud ka pa sakin pag may tumanggap nang company sakin :)
I love you so much Tay, i-printscreen mo 'to, minsan lang ako cheesy hehe. Pero I really love you and I hope that you spend many many more years with us here on earth. Paki-inom lahat ng gamot at please wag kumain ng bawal. Salamat sa pagiging Tatay sakin. Awesome ka. At alam kong alam mo na yun.
At sorry, di kita tatawaging Man Of Steel kasi wala lang ayoko sumunod sa uso. Pero alam mo ba sobrang naggwapuhan ako kay Zac Efron kaya sige.. Ikaw nalang si Zac Efron ko mwahahaha. Okay bye, uwi ka na, nagkakaraoke na naman si Nanay with the rain in the background hehe. Love you, Tay :)
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I DID NOT CRY WHILE WRITING THIS.. CHOS. HAHAHAHA HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS OUT THERE. WE MAY NOT SAY THIS A LOT BUT WE LOVE YOU AND YOU INSPIRE US TO BE BETTER EVERYDAY. I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAVING A GREAT DAY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT :)
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