OOPS.

Right now, I could say that I am in a very peaceful yet unpeaceful place. A place where no one bothers me. I can do whatever I want to do. I can say whatever I want to say. I can write whatever I want to write. And I can state all the things I could be capable of doing right now and still be unhappy about it. Why? I really don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking about a lot of things. A lot of things that could never be reciprocated. A lot of things that couldn't be explained. A lot of things that couldn't be understood by the mind of a mere human being like me. A lot of things that are not within my proximity.


My Family.
My family is an awesome family. I mean they're super cool and they never fail to be make me feel that I am special. I am an only child, only niece, only granddaughter in my mother's side of the family. That means, I get whatever I want. I get whatever I need. They never fail to give me everything as long as they could afford it. Hey, I never got to buy my own phone or my own laptop.. they we're sign, sealed, delivered... mine! Even if we are not the super-kaduper-rich-family-who-can-afford-to-maintain-3-cars-live-in-a-pangmagazine-house-have-bodyguards-who-look-like-freaks-or-afford-whatever-rich-families-could-afford, I can say that we are truly blessed. It's just sad that it's All Saint's Day tomorrow and we got to remember that Daddy and Alyssa and Lola could not be there with us anymore. It feels so incomplete. Like there's a big crack and even if we use the best glue in the world, the crack would never get filled in. I know one day, I'll find peace.


My Friends.
Hell yeah, my friends. I miss every bit of them right now. I mean, they're probably spending their sembreaks with their families. Having late night talks with their siblings. Having bonding sessions with cousins. Having a lot of catching-up with other friends... while I am stuck here in my peaceful place where I ironically lose my peace due to overthinking. I am alone. Sitting in the wide receiving area of my Tita's newly constructed house. Beside me is her dog, sleeping peacefully in their peaceful place. I just want to come up to their doorsteps, knock and give them a very warm hug right now. Sadly, I haven't gone to most of my friends' homes yet. Hm church friends... Joyce, check. Ate Myg, check. Ate Siomai, check. But the others, I don't even know how the facade of their homes look like. Sometimes I wish I could be like those friends featured on TV shows, the ones who get to hang-out at each other's places every week. Like, watch movies together or talk, giggle and laugh the whole night through. I could do that though, during overnight fellowships. Twice or thrice a year. But sadly, my favorite people weren't present during our overnight fellowship last Saturday.. except for Sarah though. I mean everyone's special. I just have my favorites. And I think that's normal. Anyway, I just miss them. I mean I have these very different relationships with these very different people. I maintain friendships that way. I am not really fond of having barkadas where I can open up everything in a group setting. I like heart-to-heart talks. One on ones. I do not like crowds, they kind of repress me and I like automatically hide in my big shell of intimidation whenever they're around. I just want a hug right now. I want someone who would sit beside me while we succumb ourselves into pure nothingness. Like just staring into nothing, humming familiar songs, without even talking, yet being able to cope with full understanding. That could be peace.


My Relationship with God
I kinda messed up lately. I kinda took him overly for granted. I feel sad right now because I couldn't even talk to Him because of my guilt. I felt like I abandoned Him while He was out there making me feel that everything's gonna be okay. I left Him. I felt undeserving, and so I left. And now I have this self inflicted humiliation that hinders me to go back. I don't know. This is madness. Totally not peace.


I feel like I'm really not feeling good right now cause I have written a post in pure English which I rarely do because I couldn't write coherently whenever I'm okay. I don't know. Guess I have to make a move for peace to be known again by me. (Oops that's barok english right there, sorry.) I want this down feeling to stop taking over me. I just might cry any moment right now. So yeah, I'm gonna stop this rant and try to contemplate for a while...for a long while I guess.