5 YEARS OF INCONSISTENCY VS. FAITHFULNESS.

It was year 2007 when I started to ask God to take away my ability to care. I remember saying, "Kung ganito lang na makikita kong nagmamahal ng iba yung mga minamahal ko, wag nalang. Wag mo nalang ako pagmamahalin." That year.. I lost my bestfriends. I lost my academic reputation. I stopped playing chess. I lost a lot of things. And I thought that if also lose my ability to care, then my other loses won't matter. I won't feel bad about them, I won't get hurt. While waiting for God's answer, I started to act like I don't care. Di nako dumadalaw sa Ebenezer. Di nako nalulungkot pag bumabagsak ako sa Algebra. Di nako naglalaro ng chess. At nagpapanggap akong okay lang yun sakin. I thought everything was going well until everything started to hurt again. This time, it was a different kind of hurt. It was the kind of hurt na talagang matutulala ka nalang kasi wala kang magawa. Ni wala kang mapagsabihan kasi nga sabi mo ayaw mo nang magkaron ng pakialam eh. I kept everything inside, lahat ng feelings. Masaya, malungkot, sabaw moments, lahat nasa loob lang. Mukha naman akong masaya, pero alam kong hindi. (May Year End Post din ako nung 2007 kaso lang jejemon pa yata ako nun kaya di ko na ipoopost hahahaha)


2008... God answered my prayer. Sabi niya, 
1. "Hindi pwede yung gusto mo nak eh. Natural sa tao mag-care. Binigay ko yung ability na yun para gamitin mo. Hmm.. O eto bestfriend. Ingatan mo ah. Minsan lang yan." 
2. "Nak, ayan posisyon sa Substance Officers o. Binigay ko yan sa'yo di dahil binoto ka nila, pero dahil gusto ko na mag-care ka sa ministry na ginagalawan mo."
3. "Nak, top 3 lang muna ah. Di mo naman kasi ginagawa yung best mo eh. Pag ginawa mo baka tumaas pa yan." 
Diko sure kung pinagttripan bako ni Lord nun kasi di niya nga sinagot yung prayer ko pero binigyan niya ko ng mga bagay na sobrang fragile. Mga bagay na kapag di ko hinawakang mabuti, siguradong mababasag agad. Di ko alam kung matutuwa bako o ewan kasi kabaliktaran to nung hinihingi ko. Everything was surreal, but I felt happy. I realized na alam talaga ng Lord ang ginagawa niya. (2008 Year End Post: http://music4god.multiply.com/journal/item/79/Pasko_08_parang_year-end_report_na_rin.)


2009.. I did not pass UP. I seriously thought about cutting myself. I don't know why. Pero naisip ko talaga. I thought wala nakong future. Di ko kasi pinlano yung future ko na di kasama yung UP. Bale package ako magplano. Kaya when I failed UPCAT, I felt like failing my future as well. But then He gave me Trinity.. and I will never regret na dito ako napunta. I started to care about people again. Ito yung year kung saan naestablish ulit yung pangengealam ko sa mga bagay na nasa paligid ko. And syempre kasama sa taon na 'to yung pagnnourish nung mga bagay na binigay niya nung 2008. College nako. It was a very tough year for me. Adjustment and all. But it was fun to be with new people, to have new experiences, to establish my identity lalo. 2009 was harsh in some a lot ways, but everything went well in the end. Syempre, si Lord pa. (2009 Year End Post: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=230650963092)


2010.. Well, God rescued me. I was so inconsistent that I had to be saved from myself. Siguro yung taon na'to, medyo nakakatamad at puro school ang inatupag ko. Sobrang hirap ng magkasunod na sem na puro Lab subjects. Tapos even if I tried my hardest, sobrang baba ko pa rin sa Chem. 2010 was the year na nalaman kong di nako pwedeng gumraduate with honors. I lost balance din yata. There were times na naglalakad ako paikot sa campus magisa just to compose myself about a lot of issues. I lost myself for a while. I had a lot of mistakes nung 2010. But God really moved. (2010 Year End Post: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=482750643092)


So 2011.. Kung 4 years ago eh hiniling ko tanggalin ng Lord yung ability ko na mag-care... Ngayong taon naman eh sinobrahan niya na ang sakit sakit na... pero masaya. Labo. Haha. If there's something God taught me this year.. ito yun:


"Nak.. Ang feelings, binigay ko yan as is. Ang happiness ay happiness. Ang sadness ay sadness. Ang love ay love. Wag mo nang gawing kumplikado. Kung masaya ka, wag mo nang hanapan ng butas. Kung malungkot ka, wag ka na mangdamay ng iba. Kung mahal mo, kahit .00001% percent palang, mahal mo pa rin yun. Wag mo nang pahirapan sarili mo, ang simple simple lang eh. Ako, mahal kita, kahit ano ka pa, mahal kita. Ganun lang kasimple." 


Sabi nga sa librong nabasa ko.. "People are supposed to care. It’s good that people mean something to you, that you miss people when they’re gone." (An Abundance Of Katherines, 2008). And I feel so blessed na I have that ability. I thank God for not taking it away from me. :) 


2012 na!! I will not thank people this year sa post. I'll do it personally para maiba. :)
Lord, sa'yo 'tong taon na'to.. at sa'yo din ang darating na taon. Alam ko na alam mo ang ginagawa mo. Kaya sobrang certain ako na magiging okay lahat. I love you!! <3


2012 anthem. Dahil narinig ko habang sinusulat ko to :))



This troubled heartache
won't go away
I think there might be
something wrong with me
I take a deep breath and maybe
I'll stop this shaking
God please don't forsake me
I might be crazy


Am I losing my mind?
Sometimes I feel like
things are getting worse in time
If I try will you open my eyes?
And make me a part of you
like you're a friend of mine


Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out
is just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes
You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me like you


If I finish what I started
and get swept under the carpet
I'll still be thankful for all you've done
Take a note to remind me
that you know where you can find me
I'll probably end up right back here again


I'll be everything that you want me to
except for perfect
I'm trying hard just to understand
your plan for me
I'll be everywhere that you want me to
unless I fall
I'm just trying to get my life back again


Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out
is just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes
You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me...


Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out
is just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes
You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me like you

:)