"I will be filled with joy because of You..."
PSALM 9:2

It's very comforting to have this assurance that pure joy can only come from God alone. Not through our triumphs, not through our friends and significant others, not even through our families. 

And it also feels good to be reminded that the one who wrote this was someone great and actually had all the sources of joy in the world yet he admitted that true joy could only be experienced through God alone. His presence is always more than enough... wew.

Pano pako magrereklamo ngayon lol

A post dedicated to my earthly fathers.

I've never been a perfect daughter, I'm actually far from being good. Not that special yet not that ordinary. I'm terribly flawed and deeply scarred yet I am forever grateful to God for demonstrating His unfailing love and faithfulness through my earthly fathers.

--
Forgive my coherence and grammar, I was crying okay. www.palusot.com Hahahaha
--

Kuya Pat,
Gulat ka no? :)) I don't know if you know how much you mean to me. I guess you have no idea. Haha. I remember my awkward years, I was that reserved and medyo nagiinarteng shy teenager sa CYF Retreat sa Bukal ng Tipan. That was 2007. I know nothing about you that time, except the fact that you're Ate Rayn's brother and that you're older than me and that you study in UPLB kaya minsan na lang kita makita sa church.

The first time you talked to us, you spoke about euphemisms. I would never forget that. Syempre ang cool kaya matuto ng mga properly constructed at less offensive insults. Feeling ko ang cool cool ko na nun kasi alam ko yun. Lalo na yung academically disadvantaged hahaha.

And then you became our Highschool Sunday School Teacher. Tapos nagkaron ng Sunday School Highschool Musical kung saan pinasayaw mo kami kahit lahat yata tayo eh walang talent sa pagkembot hahaha. And then I became your "anak". Then JRev came and we became closer than ever. I remember that drama isang gabi dun sa Baguio, "Wala namang chance eh." HAHAHA I know you remember that, too. :))

After JRev, our bond became tighter and we began to share not only jokes and euphimisms but also our personal deeper experiences, feelings, and thoughts. I remember you greeting me on my 16th birthday na nagsosorry ka kasi di ka nakapunta sa birthday ko pero wag akong magalala kasi babawi ka sakin pag natuloy akong maadmit sa UPLB... Pero di ako naadmit. Sorry for depriving you sa pagfulfill ng promise na yun.

And then college came. We kind of lost communication. You became busy with your fifth year and I started being busy dahil sa college. And then a lot happened in the past 3 years. As in madamiii. Haha there was a long time na di  ka na nakakaattend ng church sa NCUC pero I never felt that you went away. We still had online (and sometimes, text) conversations and it never felt like something's changed. I thank you for being a consistent Kuya to me, especially in those times wherein I really needed one. I feel really secure whenever I vent to you ng mga drama ko sa buhay. And I really am thankful na nung nilagay ka ni God sa buhay ko, di ka na niya inalis, at syempre pinili mo ring magstay. You are one of the reasons why I still trust people despite all the issues and iba pang chuchu nitong mga nakaraang years. I will forever be thankful, and even if I don't express it madalas (kasi di uso satin cheesy eh haha), I want you to know that you have become one of the people who made a very very huge impact in my life. Labyu paps. Monster huuuug, kahit alam kong iilag ka :)

P.S Ikaw lang ang Kuya ko sa church na pwede akong laitin nang di ako maooffend. You're privileged. Hahahaha

--

Daddy Rolly,
Or Daddy Dead, kasi yun ang kinalakihan kong itawag sa'yo :)) I honestly had no idea who you are, you left the world when I was only a few days old. But I think I saw a picture of you carrying me when I was a newborn baby. I am so sorry for not being able to recall how it felt. I wish I did so that there was something about you that I was able to carry as I grew up. I have no idea how you speak, how you walk, how you crack jokes or how you laugh, but I heard that you were a good man. I heard a lot of good things about you and I believe that you were a really great person. Feels bad to not have been able to experience having you around, I think we'd probably get along well. :)

It's sad that you were not able to witness me grow up. You were not able to play with me. Not able to discipline me. Not able to be there for me during my sorrows and triumphs. I am sad that you did not see me become the way that I am today. Nonetheless, I hope you are proud of me. I really hope you are.

They say you look like my Father, at least you left that part of you in me. That everytime I look at Tatay, I am somehow reminded of who you are. I'll see you in heaven alright? I hope you recognize me. I love you Daddy Dead. :)

--

tears are streaming down my face huhu

--

Daddy Soy,
I don't even know how to begin. I just miss you so much. It's been almost 7 years since you left. I still can't get over the fact that you did not say goodbye. I'm so sorry Daddy, for not being able to make you feel special in your last days. I'm so sorry for taking you for granted that one whole week you spent in our house before you left. I'm sorry for not crying at your funeral. For not having the guts to deliver a eulogy at your wake. I'm so sorry I haven't done a lot of things.

I will never forget the things you did for me. The way you cooked food for me whenever I'm hungry. The way you give in to my petty demands. The way you always bought me stuff I want. The way you store coins the whole year just so you can give me money for Halo-halo during the summer. The way you spoiled me. Yes, I was a very spoiled apo. You had no choice, I'm your only apo. Sorry :p

I made you a letter two years ago. I know you won't be able to read that but I still wrote one. I think I have to update you on my life. Sorry I wasn't able to write you another one. I got scared I would cry like a child again and stain the pages of my journal with tears. I hope God talks to you about my thoughts though, because you're always in it. You never left.

Daddy, I graduated college two months ago. Do you know how much I cried after my high school graduation four years ago because it was painful to not have you there? I wanted you there. Well, I cried again last April. I cried because you're not there, again. I am so sorry I wasn't able to bring Mommy with me. There were only two seats for guests, I couldn't bring her even if I wanted to. I hope you're proud of me. I grew up fast Daddy, I'm twenty now, but I'm still your pasaway na apo.

I want to write a lot more but I couldn't think properly because I'm crying so hard. I miss you so much. I really do. I can't finish this creatively, I'm sorry :((

--

Tatay.
Hahahahaha I don't know what to say. Pinagalitan mo na naman ako kanina bago ka umalis. Can there be a day na walang away? As in #hashtagmasaya lang? HAHAHA. I really don't know what to say. But I hope you remember my Father's Day testimony last 2010. I hope you remember that I am very happy to be your daughter. I still am, even if we fight endlessly. Maybe because we're too much alike, maybe that's why.

I am proud of you and of the way you live and of the way you've dealt with things. You're not perfect Tatay, and that's the thing I like about you, you know that you are not.. but you still continue to love and love and love people. God's proud of you too, you know. He's very happy that he's got a servant like you. Faithful na, pogi pa :)

Things will change next year. This is our last year in NCUC. Pero paninindigan natin Tay, we will be a household that will forever serve the Lord. Walang reservations. Walang preno. Tuloy lang para sa Lord. Sana proud ka sakin. Active ako sa church ah!! Hahaha joke lang. Pero seriously, sana proud ka sa naging ako. I may not be able to gain academic honors nung college or even give you a discount sa pagiging DL or what, pero I hope you're proud of the way I lived my college life. No alcohol. No drugs. No boyfriend. No BI friends. Hahaha I'm so great diba? Hehehe joke ulit. But really really really hope that I am making you happy, you and Nanay. Kahit wala pakong trabaho ngayon at di ko pa kayo maipag-shopping, I hope you're happy na medyo nagkakasabay na tayo kumain sa table minsan :)  Magkakatrabaho din ako Tay, and I hope na mas maging proud ka pa sakin pag may tumanggap nang company sakin :)

I love you so much Tay, i-printscreen mo 'to, minsan lang ako cheesy hehe. Pero I really love you and I hope that you spend many many more years with us here on earth. Paki-inom lahat ng gamot at please wag kumain ng bawal. Salamat sa pagiging Tatay sakin. Awesome ka. At alam kong alam mo na yun.

At sorry, di kita tatawaging Man Of Steel kasi wala lang ayoko sumunod sa uso. Pero alam mo ba sobrang naggwapuhan ako kay Zac Efron kaya sige.. Ikaw nalang si Zac Efron ko mwahahaha. Okay bye, uwi ka na, nagkakaraoke na naman si Nanay with the rain in the background hehe. Love you, Tay :)

--

I DID NOT CRY WHILE WRITING THIS.. CHOS. HAHAHAHA HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS OUT THERE. WE MAY NOT SAY THIS A LOT BUT WE LOVE YOU AND YOU INSPIRE US TO BE BETTER EVERYDAY. I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAVING A GREAT DAY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT :)

--

You sort of drag me to the pool of the unknown
Let's bathe in this idea of a world of our own
(11-04-12)

Almost two months after graduation.
Applied for two job offers. Rejected by one. Still waiting for the other one.
This summer made me hope for nothing and everything at the same time.
It's the dilemma between being there for yourself and being there for others.
And of course, being the terrified person that I am, I always choose the safe side.
I don't really know where I'm heading to. 
I'm not even sure if I want to be somewhere else.
But I'll find out. And when I do..
I'll go for it.

For now, I gotta.. hmm.. trust.

ANO NGA BANG TITLE?

Sa nakalipas na apat na taon, napakaraming nangyari. Napagod, nagpahinga, lumaban, tumanda, napagod ulit, muntik nang sumuko, nagpahinga ulit, patuloy na lumaban, at siguro kahit papaano… nagtagumpay.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi naman ako magaling. Hindi rin ako yung tipong hahangaan mo. Hindi ako angat sa iba. Hindi ako sigurado sa maraming bagay. At higit sa lahat, tulad ng lahat ng tao, hindi ako perpekto. Normal akong tao. Sakto lang. Simple lang. Wala akong honor. Hindi nakaka-wow yung grades ko. Nagkakamali. Pumapalya. Sumasabit. Pero sumusubok ulit. Bumabangon. Rumaraos. Ngumingiti. Umuusad.

Sa kahit sino naman siguro, ang pag-graduate sa kolehiyo ay isa sa mga karanasang hindi mo maitatapon buong buhay mo. Habambuhay mong matatandaan, ngingitian, at babalikan. Habambuhay magiging parte ng kung sino ka man. 

Proud ako sa sarili ko. Ngayon lang ako nagging ganito ka-proud sa sarili ko. Lumaki akong nasa anino ng ibang tao. Anak ni Pastor. Anak ni Teacher Gem.. anak ng Magna Cum Laude. Apo ng nurse at artist, ng teacher at lawyer. Laging may kakabit na expectation sa pangalan ko. Dapat ganito, dapat ganun. Dapat mabait ka. Dapat lagi kang gumagawa ng mabuti. Bawal magkamali. ‘Wag mong ipapahiya mga magulang mo. Proud ako sa sarili ko kasi itong paggraduate ko, pangalan ko ‘to. Yung naka-lagay sa diploma, Abigail Anne Cerdinio Padrelanan, pangalan ko yun eh. Ako yun eh.  Proud ako na sa wakas, may nagawa ako para sa sarili ko. May napatunayan ako. Lahat ng papers na nagawa ko. Lahat ng projects na naipasa ko. Lahat ng theoretical framework na sinulat ko ko. Lahat ng papel na naubos ko sa practicum at thesis. Lahat ng eyebags na pinagpuyatan ko.. May narating. Kaya ko pala. Nakaya ko.

Proud ako sa magulang ko. Para sakanila ‘to. Mahirap magpaaral ng anak sa kolehiyo. Mahirap ipagpaliban ang mga sariling luho at gusto sa buhay para lang masuportahan ang edukasyon ng anak nila. Proud ako sakanila kasi ginawa  nila, kahit mahirap. Kahit minsan kapos. Kahit kakainin na lang nila, isusubo pa nila sakin. Kahit nakakatamad na siguro minsan, ginawa pa rin nila. Proud ako sakanila, hindi dahil anak nila ko.. Kung hindi dahil ginawa at ginagawa nila ang lahat para sa’kin kahit ganito ako. Proud ako kasi sobrang galing nilang magmahal. Proud ako kasi mahal ko sila.

Proud ako sa mga kamag-anak ko. Sa mga lolo kong alam kong proud na proud sakin kahit maaga silang umalis dito sa mundo. Sa mga lola kong love na love ako. Sa mga tita kong tumanda na with cats and dogs kaka-alaga sakin. Sa mga pinsan kong, lagi akong inaasar pero binilhan ako ng underwear sa 7-eleven kahit awkward kasi lalaki siya. Sa lahat ng relatives ko na forever sumuporta sakin, salamat. Proud akong ka-dugo ko kayo. Sana proud din kayo na ka-dugo niyo ko. Hehe

Proud ako sa batchmates ko. Lalong-lalo na sa mga kaklase at mga kaibigan ko sa Psych at sa MassComm. Sige na nga pati na rin sa ComSci (Larjay hihi) at sa Nursing (Patrick hihi). Proud ako na walang bumitaw satin. Sama-sama nating tinapos yung parte na’to ng mga buhay natin. Oo, may mga dumating at umalis, pero kahit kelan hindi ko naramdamang nawala. Proud ako na pinaninindigan natin yung pilosopiya ng school natin, naging person for others tayo. Aware man tayo o hindi, counted pa rin yun. Hindi ako magda-drama at sasabihin mamimiss ko kayo o hindi ko kayo makakalimutan dahil alam naman natin na sa huli, tayo-tayo pa rin ang magkikita-kita at magku-kwentuhan ‘pag buryong na tayo sa bahay o ‘pag na-promote tayo sa trabaho o pag may nag-asawa na o kaya ‘pag may nagdrama dahil sa pag-ibig. Alam niyo na yan. Proud ako sa’tin.

Proud din ako sa mga kaibigan ko sa church, nung elementary, nung highschool, at kung san-san man sa earth. Proud ako kasi di niyo ko iniwan. Aba, medyo mahirap yun ah knowing na medyo mahirap akong kalikutin at tiyagain na tao. Aylabyu mga kapatid. Wala man akong biological sistarr at bwudarr, andiyan naman kayo. Di lang sapat, sobra pa.

Syempre save the best for last… Proud ako sa God ko. Kasi awesome siya. Kasi magaling siya. Kasi malupit siya. Cliché man kung cliché pero ganun talaga eh. Papalalimin mo pa ba ang isang bagay na okay na in its own sense? Proud ako na isang God tulad ni God ang pinaniniwalaan ko at ang sinasandalan ko. Alam niya lahat ng nangyari sa nakalipas na apat na taon at sa nakalipas na dalawampung taon ng buhay ko. Alam niya kelan ako masaya. Kelan ako malungkot. Kelan ako excited. Kelan ako tinatamad magreact. Wala akong maitatago sa God na’to at alam ko na kung may pinaka-proud sakin ngayon.. Siya yun. Siguro natutuwa siya na sa wakas, naniwala akong kaya ko kaya andito nako ngayon.. kung san man ‘to.. di ko alam.. pero siguro akong masaya ‘tong lugar na’to. J

At ayun nga, tinatamad nakong magisip ng sariling ending sa post na ‘to kaya gagayahin ko nalang sila. Hindi pagtatapos ang graduation kundi pagsisimula.. ng ano? Aba ewan ko.. Sabi ko nga, hindi ako sigurado sa maraming bagay. Pero ngayon, sigurado ako, na kung ano man ang pagsisimulang yun… ahihi promise.. aalamin ko.

Ok bye mwahugs see you later peeps byers pakiss :* >:D<

P.S Nag-tagalog nga pala ako kasi sa industriyang papasukin ko kapag nagtrabaho nako, sigurado akong hindi ko na magagamit yung tagalog. Masyado na kasing distorted ang mindset ng mga Pilipino. Pabihag sa Westernized culture. Masyadong pa-cool. Pag English daw kasi cool. Eh cool din kaya yung tagalong duh-ers hahahaha sabagay ako rin minsan pa-cool hahahaha tama na nga okey babay

2012 WAS A GOOD YEAR :)

✔ The Fault In Our Stars - John Green

✔  It's Kind Of A Funny Story - Ned Vizzini

✔  Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

✔  Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List - Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

✔  Dash and Lily's Book Of Dares - Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

✔  The Lover's Dictionary - David Levithan

✔  The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins

✔  Catching Fire - Suzanne Collins

✔  Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins

✔ TONS OF FANFICTIONS HAHAHA

YEAR END POST... YUP.

Another year. Oh goodness, time just flies so fast. Sometimes, I really couldn't catch up. Oh well, seems like I really lost my creative juices this year. But anyway, this has been an annual habit, I've been doing this since I was 14.. So yeah, here goes my 2012 year-end post..

--

"Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.

Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear...

How do you measure a year in a life?"

Hi. It's hard to describe a whole year. Words just can't justify the epic-ness of those 366 days that had just passed. I would like to express every emotion I felt, to describe every smile, every frown or whatevers but I'll just fall out of words so I won't even try. Oh well, all I know is that my 2012 started with pain. I remember January being a very emotional month for me. I had misunderstandings with a LOT of people. It was frustrating because the year was only starting and I already had messy relationships. I was 18 and I was just starting to figure out how to grow up. Like, really grow up.

Anyway, last year had basically been about relationships, and ministry, and family, and school stuff, and young adult fictions, and fandom fanfictions, and fangirling, and staying up late, and coffee addiction. What's new? I don't know actually. People always tell me to explore life more. To not get stuck by the things that I'm used to. They said that my life lacked thrill and that I've been doing the same things all over I again. They we're basically bored with my life. But seriously, what do they want me to do? Party all night at clubs? Drink alcohol whenever exam weeks end? Go skydiving? Ride rollercoasters? Eat wherever my friends drag me and waste money on fatty burgers drowning with cheese? Sorry, but I won't. Because, as boring as it may seem, I am actually content with these things. Simply because these "boring things" basically define my life. Sorry not sorry. 

Going back to the pain the first half of this year caused me.. All I can say is that I learned. Couldn't be more thankful for the pain. Couldn't be more thankful to God for getting me through. And couldn't be more proud of myself that I had survived. I can finally say that I grew up... maybe not so much, maybe a little bit, but at least I did.

Looking forward... I am stoked yet intensely terrified about this new year. The first quarter will be all about completing my requirements for college graduation. Yes, I'm already a 4th year BS Psychology student. How did that happen? Oh well, time rockets, no way we could chase it. Then after that, I must need to find a job. For me to be able to buy a new guitar, collect fictional books, eat froyo everyday, and store Dutchmill in the fridge give back to my family after sending me to school and feeding me good food for nineteen years now. 

Everything will change this year, I know. I need to learn how to grow up more. This time, not a little bit, and fast. This will be a challenge for sure, added up to the fact that I will be turning twenty and growing up's actually been kind of mandatory already. I like challenges, they reveal me. And I like being revealed, especially to myself. So yeaH.. I welcome you 2013, with open arms willing to give you a big monster hug, lezz do dizz! :)

--

Thank you portion kasi feeling ko artista ako.

God. YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. YOU ALREADY. I LOVE YOU.

Family. "My family is the most important persons in my life." (Janina San Miguel, 2008) I just love you so much and I'll give back this year, "this I promise you". (NSYNC, 2000) Need I say more? Wag na! Hahaha.

Churchmates. 

*Substance CYF (and all the people in it), you've taught me so much last year and I thank you so much for merely existing. There were tough times, but they surely were necessary. "You've made me stronger by breaking my heart." (Regine Velasquez, 1995) I love you so much it hurts. :)

*Sunday School High School Students. You give me joy every Sunday. You give me hope in the future. Kahit lagi niyo kong innaway, love ko pa rin kayo. O wag kiligin, di ko pa rin kayo ililibre. :))

*Cellgroup Leaders. Sa mga naging cellgroup leader ko. Thank you, just... thank you. Alam niyo na yan. :)

*Cellgroup Babies. Blossom at Jaja, salamat dahil umaattend na kayo sa cellgroup natin. Haha. I hope that we'll grow more in the Lord this 2013. I hope that we'd be tigher and stronger hanggang sa mga panahong mag-nininang nako sa mga magiging anak niyo. Excited nako sa mga kasal niyo, ok? Hahaha love you both >:D<

"You will never know just how beautiful you are to me." (Ed Sheeran, 2011) 

-- Ex. Cf. Duy. Sean. Ate Myg. Kuya Patrick. Kuya Manny. Kuya Marlon. Naks special mention kayo. Hahahaha wala lang. Hi. Pa-hug :) Kayo rin Seanice, Patrick, Ameng, Paul. Miss ko na kayo. Haha. At pati sa bitches ko, Aileen, Johans, Jashen. Stay bitchy guys, love you mwah. :)) And to my brothers from other mothers, Bryan and Kuya Chester. Rock on. Haha

"Let's go crazy crazy crazy 'till we see the sun." (One Direction, 2011)

4PSY02. Di ko alam pano ako magsusurvive ng apat na taon sa college kung di kayo kaklase ko. Thanks for being crazy. And thanks for being weird, because normal is so mainstream. LeiDeIifAvuUloUzahh_26 loves you pfuuh! HAHAHAHA

"Hit me baby one more time." (Britney Spears, 1998) 

--Forgive me for the song choice, wala nako maisip ok. Hahahaha. 

Schoolmates. Thanks for making each school day awesome. Yung mga nagha-hi at nagha-hug sakin diyan sa catwalk, sa corridor, sa canteen, sa E-rod, sa kung san san... Thanks... hello. :)

And I could go on and on and on pero tinatamad nako magsulat kaya ishoshortcut ko na lang.. Hahaha...

Sa lahat ng kaibigan at fans ko, ily all. Stay awesome and don't forget to drink your vitamins everyday! And always remember that if you "take a little time baby, you'll see the butterflies colors.. yeah yeah yeah, there's a rainbow always after the rain." (Southborder, whenever they wrote the song) Mwahugs ok bye. :)